Three years ago today my life changed dramatically! I have 3 major segments of my life. Childhood, life with Alan and life after Alan. When Alan died, all of my hopes, dreams, wishes, prayers ended abruptly. I was 29 years old and had no clue how to live my life without a calendar full of doctor's appointments and being 'on the ready' for our next medical adventure. Nine wonderful years were spent in and out of doctors offices and hospitals, but it was not all sad. Alan had such life! He was so vibrant and beautiful. And let's not forget his sense of humor. I was awed daily with his upbeat humor and wit.
Today my life is completely different!
This is not a bad thing. Just a different thing. I have learned and grown and discovered so much about myself. A part of me does grieve for things and people that I don't speak to on a daily basis any more. Family and friends have come and gone. Memories are there but people don't talk about them much. People I thought for sure would be there for me haven't been. Some people still call or text or email to see how I am. Others, if I don't initiate contact, I don't hear from them. I guess that is OK, their way of dealing. In other instances I have had to fight for just an ounce of wiggle room to live life after Alan the way I have felt I needed to. All in all, I am so blessed to have the 10 years of memories and love from Alan. I know he was truly an angel and I do miss him everyday.
About a year and half after he died, I was on a trip with my sister, and I prayed a prayer. A prayer that I feel was answered very quickly. Let me explain a little more.
You see, I was having such a hard time being alone. I did not feel comfortable any where I went. There was something missing. Someone missing. So, I would stay out late so not to have to go home to an empty house. I had friends that would let me crash at their houses if I needed to. People I don't think I would necessarily hang out with normally, but good, kind people nonetheless. I was trying to find a way to just feel better and take the pain away. It was a pain that I don't know how to describe. My best friend was gone. Even though he was sick, it was sudden. A kick in the gut that I don't wish on anyone.
I attended a grief group for spouses only. This helped so much. It helped me to see that God had plans for me.
So on this trip I prayed that God would give me a peace about being alone. I prayed that He would send a sweet Christian guy that would love me for me and want to be my best friend. I prayed that this person would be totally understanding of my situation, want kids and accept me for who I am right now.
Not quite a month after I prayed that prayer, John came into my life.
When I saw him, I knew I would marry him.
When I met Jackson, I knew I would be his mom.
It just felt right.
Now, a year and a half after our marriage, I still miss Alan and will always love him and have a place for him in my heart. However, I know God had/has other plans for me. I wake up everyday excited to see what life has in store around the corner.
Recently I have been told, by more than one person, that I have changed. I truly have changed. How could I stay the same person? Doesn't God take us on journeys so we can come out the other side a stronger, better, more knowledgeable person??
I think so. So please, even if you did not know Alan, say a little prayer and thank God that there are people in this world that leave such an impact on us that make us want to be a better person.
Miss you Houka!
